disclaimer: I wrote this early October, before the illegal and genocidal siege on Gaza by the Israel began — therefore I wanted to preface this newsletter by asking readers to read it in the context of that time period.
I turned 23 yesterday.
I asked my husband to keep my birthday a private affair as I never enjoyed the exuberant and self-obsessive trends we follow when it comes to birthday celebrations because as important as the day you were born is, I don’t find these practices to be fulfilling (for me at least). Often times, we end up over-performing to appease to social standards for what celebrating your “birthday” should be like, and I desperately wanted to avoid the birthday blues this year so I limited any potential for error haha. In fact, if I was to recount all the times I indulged in trendy birthday celebratory practices such as hosting a big (oftentimes wasteful) dinner or being thrown a “surprise” birthday party — they were my least favorite memories by far. Maybe it’s just me, but birthdays are the most fruitful when spent with those you love deeply, doing the simple and mundane things. I also felt like my birthday is not only a story about me, but also a story about those who raised me, those who continue to love and support me, and He (ﷻ) who allows me to breathe every breath. It is by God’s (ﷻ) divine mercy I am blessed with health, wellbeing, safety, and all of the undeniable favors He has showered down on me which lead me reaching another year. It still feels weird celebrating my birthday away from home, my original home… away from my family — but I am embracing this new life and relishing in deep gratitude for my partner, and his companionship during the last year of life. He really makes celebrating my birthday with only one person feel like I have the whole world by my side. Not many people can make you feel like that, but he is special. I appreciated my choice to celebrate my birthday in seclusion. What more could I ask for?
Alhamdullilah.
Throughout the day, I suffered from a respiratory infection and some nasal tissue wounds which were causing excessive nosebleeds but we pushed through and my night ended at an urgent care center. I can now cross off “spending my birthday night at a hospital” off my list.
Recently, I have been trying to take a different approach in how I react to certain setbacks in my life like my bad health by leaning more towards gratefulness rather than the pessimistic attitude I had last month when I got into a horrible finger slicing accident. I have always resorted to being very apocalyptic and overall negative because in these scenarios, I didn’t want to believe there was a way out of my misery. My pathology had been way too altered by past traumas. It had usually felt better to wallow in hopelessness, but this time was different. I didn’t feel so isolated in my illness this time. I felt supported by my partner being there with me. I remembered I’ve been through worse before, I felt assured that I was going to be okay.
I am also becoming well-adjusted to decoding the signals my body sends me whenever I feel ill. I had just come out of a few weeks of higher stress and of course that had taken a toll. We all know that chronic stress and trauma causes defects in the way our immune system works, such as the decrease in production of cells that fight to protect us, for example. When stressed for a prolonged period of time, your immune system starts attacking itself because it cannot identify a healthy tissue from an unhealthy tissue. I had felt traumatized in a sense by all of the stress I was soaking in during the weeks leading up to my birthday so in a sense, I do believe that lapses in our immunity and chronic illness are just messages that our body is trying to tell us that we are overwhelmed. The physiological and immunological stress impacts of everyday life in a society like ours is paramount — but I am ever grateful for my ability to regain health even after illness. I am grateful for the support that I have, for the resources I have been blessed with, for the comfort that I live in. This is greater than any hardship I could ever go through.
In this holy month of Rabi-al-Awwal (Islamic Calendar), the month which our Beloved (ﷺ) Prophet was born in, I am trying to channel and embody more of his (ﷺ) grateful and appreciative character. So much of our faith is grounded in gratefulness, for the good and the bad. It takes practice and training to be grateful for the bad as well, which is something not many people think about when practicing gratitude in the first place. There is a certain type of contentment that comes from unconditional gratefulness and it is a kind that makes you feel invincible, it is the prophetic way of living. Gratefulness is divine, and if practiced in it’s divine form — it is incredibly revolutionary. When you are grateful for the circumstances of your life regardless of the outcome, the pressures of a highly capitalistic society can rarely constrain you and you also take on the challenge of de-centering yourself in a world that is hyper-focused on self-gratification and individualistic pleasure. Instead of thinking “Why am I sick on my birthday? Ugh.”, I feel more content with the reality of my life — I am fulfilled even with this difficulty, and I trust my Lord to heal me back to health. He grants wellbeing and takes it away. He tests me out of love, and blesses me out of love.
*****
Last weekend, my family and I attended a conference in our local area led by Sheikh Mokhtar Maghraoui (a man of impeccable character, I feel lucky to be living in the same timeline as him). Attending was one of the best decisions I had made in a while, because what I learned there has truly helped me encapsulate the perspective I want to utilize in my life moving forward.
He spoke of a chapter in the Quran (Surah Taha), in which God (ﷻ) is engaged in dialogue with Moses who is making a prayer of desperation to Him (ﷻ). What he revealed in this chapter was profound because Sheikh Maghraoui’s focus was bringing out the certainty of God’s (ﷻ) love for humanity — His love for all of us. Moses essentially asks God (ﷻ) for strength to stand against the Pharaoh who is a tyrant, saying “Lord, lift up my heart — ease my task for me”. He asks God (ﷻ) for a favor, and God (ﷻ) essentially responds to Moses by reminding him “Moses, your request *for mercy* has been granted — and we have granted mercy to you before … even when you did not ask for it.” In classical Arabic, the word for mercy and love are synonymous, especially in the context of the Quran — God (ﷻ) was telling Moses that He (ﷻ) has “cast his love” upon him, even before Moses could fathom the thought of pleading towards God(ﷻ) for salvation, God grants mercy, love, and salvation to us in ways we can never possibly imagine. God (ﷻ) tells Moses, furthermore, “I have fashioned you under my watchful eye”.
My heart was genuinely moved after the Sheikh read these verses. I will always remember them and hold them close. I aspire to live a life enveloped in the love of God (ﷻ), because it is all-encompassing and never gives out… the closer you draw near Him (ﷻ), the more you become His (ﷻ) beloved. I wish for that kind of love for everyone, and I can only dream to be a beloved to the One that gives life. I guess as I grow older, I am thinking of ways that God-consciousness and the yearning for Godly love is operationalized… like what does that look like in real life for me? How do I become a person who holds awareness for God’s mercy in all of my moments, whether alone or with others? These questions that I am starting to ask myself also bring me to the realization that I want to protect and prioritize all of the precious moments I have with others, loved ones, and stranger alike, because they are so few in the span of our short lives here on this Earth. I feel a renewed sense of gratitude for making it to 23, but I know that more life is never guaranteed. Any moment with your loved ones can be your last, it could be the last impression you leave… every shared moment is an opportunity to create an impact that leaves a trace of love and compassion. Every moment is of indescribable value. I think this is something I’ve learnt in the last year, moving away from family as well. People remember how you make them feel, I still remember how certain people have uplifted me… and how others have tainted me, it all leaves a mark — but leaving a positive one is a choice. It is a choice that I want to continuously make. I find solace in knowing this.
Love,
Iman <3