ramadan ramblings
on post-umrah blues and balancing my 2nd ramadan as a big girl
Salaam friends,
First and foremost, I want to wish all my readers a belated Ramadan Mubarak. Ramadan comes to us this year like a balm that is meant to heal our wounded hearts and replenish us as we witness the ongoing slaughter and genocide of our people in Gaza. Our hearts have been “softened” by Palestine, and then Ramadan arrives like a long awaited guest. Ramadan also coincides with the Coptic Lent this year, in addition to Nowruz + Spring Equinox — and in a beautiful way it shows us that Ramadan is such a perfect time to create entirely new realities and bloom into the best version of yourself (in the spirit of Spring).
Ramadan marks a time of the year that Muslims, in their billions, strive towards total salvation and acceptance from God by giving up all of our worldly desires including eating+drinking in the daytime hours to dedicate our minds, bodies, and souls to worship in all of it’s forms. For us, worship isn’t just prayer. It is charity, supplication, sharing a smile with a stranger, and so much more. So much of Ramadan is about submission, and releasing yourself of the burden of ego-driven impulses which are holding you back from complete spiritual elevation and enlightenment. It is about bending the knee to God’s ultimate power over all destinies, to the Rabb al Alameen (Lord of the Worlds). Even when we do try to hide and distract ourselves from the evident truth of His All-Encompassing Glory, our innate human nature (fitra) finds itself troubled and in discomfort because even our most primordial instincts guide us to recognize and ponder on the Oneness and Manifest of Allah. I am content with the belief that Allah has opened up a never-ending amount of pathways to earning His pleasure. It is fascinating, after all, we believe that in Ramadan the gates of paradise are wide open — and leaning into this perspective of God as Merciful and All-Loving is especially healing for many. He tells us, “if you walk to me I will run to you” and “I am just as my slave thinks I am”. I don’t know what gets more beautiful than that.
This month is also powerful because one of it’s true purposes is the internal restructuring that it requires from us. It is a time for us to truly engineer ourselves to get rid of the lowly features and harvest the good qualities. A local teacher I listened to recently said “fasting removes all ill-will of the heart” and I find that statement to ring so true for many of us. Fasting is all about abstinence and restraint, which requires a level of discipline that inevitably leaves us in a better shape than before. “Fasting douses a burning heart like water douses a fire” said one of our local scholars. More importantly, patience is one the most defining characters of fasting in Ramadan — whether it be patience with ourselves or others, this patient perseverance serves as a source of illumination for us when we reach that level of willpower which almost feels like a sense of relief. Like, wow, I can be patient after all? Lol. Patience is an adornment. Patience is a labor of love and it is definitely one of the habits I want to improve in myself this month. I am only highlighting it because it is the one internal struggle I continue to balance and I am not always successful (keep me in your duas <3).
In addition to patience, I am thinking more about what true obedience to what Allah has ordained for us to follow means. I was listening to a lecture being given by Suhaib Webb recently and he noted that you don’t have to “feel” something every time you worship. Sometimes we are chasing a high when we go to the prayer mat, but the reality is that “if you worship Allah to feel something, you are actually worshipping the feeling.” The idea is that the fact that you have been chosen to worship Allah in that moment alone is a testament to you being from the blessed ones. Allah wrote in his divine decree, the Lawh Al Mahfouz (the Preserved Tablet) that you would be standing there in submission to Him. That alone requires a sense of gratitude. I am also pondering more on how we could better emulate the Prophet’s (ﷺ) character. This speaks to how we should be treating the people around us with more compassion, consideration, and care — just like our beloved Prophet (ﷺ) did. How are we building community like Him ﷺ ? How are we showing up for others like Him ﷺ ? How are we cultivating our relationships like Him ﷺ? Love and compassion are cornerstones of this faith. The more I learn about His (ﷺ) beautiful and noble character the more I am in pure awe. The blueprint has always been there.
As one third of the month has already passed by (I wrote this a while back lol), I am scrambling and thinking of all of the ways I could make the most of our remaining days in this blessed month. It feels odd to be the one responsible for creating my own routines, especially after living with my parents for so long and having the privilege to turf off on their perfectly structured Ramadan regimens. I miss my dad waking me up for suhoor, my mom and brother preparing our Iftar table every evening, Qiyam nights with my mom and childhood best-friends, and so much more. The levels of loss you experience when you move away from your hometown are paramount, but that doesn’t mean that it is all doom and gloom. This is my husband and I’s second Ramadan together so it’s still very special and new, and I am taking baby steps to learning which traditions and routines I want to establish in our home as we both navigate this new reality.
I also returned from an Umrah trip about 3 weeks before Ramadan began, which was nice in the sense that it helped me gain focus for the month and also helped my body get adjusted to the cycle of never-ending exhaustion we all experience in Ramadan. For those who don’t know, Umrah is essentially an Islamic pilgrimage to the holy cities of Mecca and Madinah. I had a lot of time to reflect on my Umrah and realized quickly that I didn’t have the best experience (or the one I was hoping for). I had high expectations and had intended to leave the holy lands with a rejuvenated and lifted spirit but I returned quite drained. I was bogged down by so much grief, anxiety, and stress for a myriad of personal reasons and my ability to focus was clouded. I kept thinking, why am I here? Why me? And to be frank, that feeling didn’t go away when I returned, but I knew I needed to reframe my perspective if I was going to benefit anything from this journey I had embarked on.
I remember one of the scholars on the trip said to our group that Allah “selects who He wills” and that stuck with me far long after he said it. I felt like perhaps, I am not here for me, maybe I am here to serve as the vessel through which the prayers of so many of my family and friends would be accepted. I am not sure how one should feel after an Umrah that felt tragically depleting (I am deeply grateful for the experience and acknowledge the privilege to be able to go), but I can say that I appreciated the Suhbah (companionship) I was able to build with so many young women and teachers. My hearts burdens were lifted every time I looked up to see the Kaa’ba, and all of my “problems” felt so minuscule as I learned of all the trials the Prophet (ﷺ) went through to lay the pathway of survival for His (ﷺ) nation. Standing next to the green dome, gazing upon his resting place, brought me so much tranquility.
There truly is beauty in the struggle because maybe, maybe all I gained was the ability to learn what true and meaningful submission to Allah means. There were so many moments where I felt completely helpless and the only path forward for me was complete and total trust and submission in Allah and His vast power over all destinies, including mine. I learned what it meant to truly expand the scope of my duas (prayers). The over-crowded, green carpet and white marble floors of both beloved cities became my safe place through each prostration as I understood what it takes to reach new levels of peace and contentment through surrender. For me, that is enough.
ramadan finds?
Purification of the Heart by Hamza Yusuf
Shaykh Abdal Hakim on ethical consumption of food and meat produce during the month of Ramadan
Beyond Bilal: Black Muslims in the East by Mustaffa Briggs
Muhammad His Character and Beauty : Wasa'il Al-wusul Ila Shama'il al-rasul by Sheikh Yusuf Nabahani
The Muslim Climate Watch (MCW) page which has been diligently sharing 1 eco-friendly tip a day in Ramadan for Muslims to implement
Another cute illustration on what do do when you are on your menses in Ramadan
Dr. Shadee Elmasry on gratitude
This wholesome of children in turkey running inside the mosque
This was such a beautiful reflection Iman <3 Inspiring me to get back into my writing!!!
Your heartfelt reflection on Ramadan moved me. May this sacred time bring you peace, blessings, and a deeper connection with your faith. Thank you for sharing such meaningful insights.